[Tlhingan-hol] voDleH Qun je

[Qov]

Hey everyone read this story, even if you're a beginner. It's short 
and really easy to understand, and you'll be proud of yourself for finishing!

At 23:33 '?????' 4/24/2012, you wrote:
>(Also translated at Philip Newton's suggestion.)

lut!  jIQuch! I'm going to put inline comments, many of which will be 
just personal opinion, or comments on the story itself, which, seeing 
as it's just a translation you may not care about, but you'll know 
I'm paying attention.

>qenHa' voDleH tu'lu'.

mube'chu'. {ben law'} vImaS jIH.

>puq ghajbe'. puq neH voDleH.

Do'Ha' - vaj nuq ta'?

>lalDan tay lopwI'Daj tlhob,

I know the English word is celebrants, but it even bugs me in 
English. I would choose {lalDan po'wI'} or {lalDan yaS}.

>jatlh: <jIHvaD boghjaj puqloD!>

toH, DaH vIvupbe'choH. yonbe'chugh puqbe', puq qotlhbe'.

>voDleHvaD jatlh lopwI': <Qun {Varuna} yItlhob!>

QaQ qeS.  lujDI' mIw lopwI'qoq pIchlaHbe' voDleH.

>DaH Qun {Varuna} tlhobmeH voDleH, ghoS voDleH.

Varuna ghoS'a'?

>  <HIQoy, vav {Varuna}!>
>
>chalvo' ghIr Qun {Varuna}:

toH! voDleH ghoS Varuna!

><nuqneH?> jatlh.

muHaghmoH! pup.

><puqloD vIneH.> jatlh.
>
><pItlh!> jatlh wovbogh Qun {Varuna}. yatlhchoH voDleH be' 'ej puqloD qeng.

napqu'mo' lut muHaghmoH bertlham, 'ach lut vItIv.

>Once there was a king. He was childless. The king wanted a son.

Ah, I would have been less resentful of the voDleH's choosiness while 
reading had you specified that he wanted a son in the first place. He 
probably is still a sexist pig, but specifying that he wants a son 
right away removes that to outside the story.

>He asked his priest: "May a son be born to me!"

The English here asks for a translation in -jaj. (TKD 4.2.9 appendix)

>"Let this be so",

Maybe also -jaj, as if the God himself were invoking a higher 
power--or maybe just his own power.

>said the bright god Werunos. The king's lady bore a son.

{qeng} as you used it works. Consider. {be'vo' bogh puqloD} or 
{puqloD boghmoH be'}.  Possibly {qeng} is better than those. I read 
the Klingon as "carried a son" which didn't necessarily imply his 
birth.  Perhaps just {yatlhchoH voDleH be' 'ej bogh puqloD}.

majQa'. yImughtaH 'ej lut yI'oghvIpQo'.

- Qov