[Tlhingan-hol] Ozymandias

[nIqolay q]

I tried translating Percy Bysshe Shelley's poem, "Ozymandias", into
Klingon. It is not an easy poem to translate.

Original:
I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed:
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

First attempt at a translation (with no attempt at preserving rhyme, meter,
or really even line breaks).
Sep ngo'qu'vo' lengpu'bogh vay' vIqIH.
jatlh. DebDaq Qam tInqu'bogh cha' negh 'uSDu' 'ej ro Hutlhbogh.
bIHDaq Sum qab ghorlu'bogh. bID qab So' Deb lam.
nuj QeH, wuS vIl, ra'wI' mon bIr je ghaj qab.
nongmoHwI'mey tu'chu'ta' Hew chenmoHwI' 'e' ja' bIH.
taHtaH nongmoHwI'meyvetlh. yInbe'bogh DochmeyvamDaq lughItlhlu'ta'.
Heghpu' chenqa'moHbogh ghop je'bogh tIq je.
Hew QutlhwI'Daq nargh mu'meyvam.
<<'oSIymanDI'yaS, ta'pu' ta', 'oH pongwIj'e'.
ta'meywIj tItu', HoSghajwI', 'ej petulHa'.>>
ratlh pagh latlh.
raghpu'bogh pIgh'a'vetlh Dechbogh yoS'a'Daq, chImchu' veH Hutlhbogh Deb'e'.

What do you all think? I broke up the long sentence in lines 3 through 8 of
the original, because it would have been really long and unwieldly in
Klingon. And I'm not sure nongmoHwI' ("that which causes one to be
passionate") is really the best translation for "passion", though there's
not a lot of vocabulary for emotions yet.
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